A Broken Record

Britney Spears was running through my head yesterday… “oops, I did it again.”

But that song was quickly replaced with thoughts of embarrassment.  I got so many wonderful, supportive comments on my post about vacation eating, that praised me for getting back on track when I got home.  And there I sat last night, replying, with an overly full belly, admitting that I had failed in my intentions.  In the 24 hours after I returned home, I wrote that post and exercised and ate healthy.  Then bam.  Again, one food led to another, led to another, led to me feeling like crap.  Physically and mentally.  Broken record.  I even slept horribly and couldn’t wait to get past my depressing weigh-in to start anew.  And I did.  Then, thanks Britney, I did it again.  And woke up today, just wanting to get past the number on the scale, hating what I had done.  Wondering.  Sighing.

Some of you probably don’t want to read about how I cheated on my diet again, how I overate past the point of fullness to the point of disbelief, how I put food into my mouth when I wasn’t hungry after telling myself I wouldn’t, how I went to my car and got out a box of banished Triscuits.  But I feel the need to put the words into print, to engrave them on my blog and my mind to serve as a personal reminder.  And for my dear friend who stopped reading my blog because it just made her feel worse about her own eating… I share my admission that, even in the midst of what I consider to be dieting success, the new and improved Karen stumbles again.  And again.

I am frustrated with myself.  And I feel like a broken record.  All the planets were lined up for me to indulge.  I had splurged a bit on vacation and gotten a taste again of high fat, high sugar, high calorie.  I had turned on the TV and plunked myself down, a known trigger.  I had decided that after weeks of self-control I could eat cracker crack again.  I had low-carb blueberry snack cake (that I had made for the first time for breakfast on the plane and decided never to make again because it was too tasty and would probably lead me to overeat) in the freezer.  I posted that I was back from vacation eating and back on track and probably jinxed myself!

So today, after two days that I hope to quickly get past, I am once again committing to what works for me.  Refocusing my efforts.  Dusting off and moving on.  I am beating myself up just a little because, honestly, I deserve it.  Same mistake repeated.  Enough is enough.  I am taking that broken record and tossing it in the trash with the snack cake and Triscuits.  I sit before you, a flawed dieter, working on a new lifestyle, trying to learn from my mistakes, hoping that the two steps backwards are followed by many more steps forward.  And I am moving on from Britney to Scarlet O’Hara… because “tomorrow today is another day.”

Advertisements

29 Comments

Filed under cheating/overeating

29 responses to “A Broken Record

  1. Yes, throw out those triscuits and their nasty friends cookies and chips too! Maybe coming home after a vacation just put your head in a different place. I know it always takes me a while to readjust after a trip. You’ll be fine.
    .-= karen@fitnessjourney´s last blog ..Dress for Weight Loss Success =-.

  2. yes, you probably have to purge your house of all things that cause you to binge…
    oh well…..the good thing is that God lets us keep trying until we get it right…or die trying…lol
    Everyone is human.
    .-= losingmore´s last blog ..C O O L outside today….. =-.

    • Karen

      What is hard about that is the poor men who share my life. As part of my second little binge I ate 4 bread thins the other day. Normally I don’t do that and my husband would suffer it I got rid of them. But I will make sure there are none sitting here when he goes out of town for the coming few days:)

  3. Hey, be kind to yourself. 🙂 I’ve never felt that weight loss is a linear journey (both on the scale, and off the scale!), yet more of a learning process. You find out what works, and what doesn’t! Obviously having Triscuits in the house isn’t working… but don’t beat yourself up too badly. It is a trial of living, learning and moving forward. 🙂
    .-= Anna´s last blog ..Sucking air =-.

    • Karen

      I appreciate the wisdom… I know you are right and I just forget every once in a while. Me and Triscuits! Sigh. I ate them last year on the same diet plan with none of these problems!!

  4. We ALL have gotten off track at one point or another. Heck that’s why I restarted phase 1 last week! Cuz I totally was going overboard and eating too many carbs again. Maybe you could use a few days of strict phase 1 to get the cravings out of you?

    It’s all trial and error- I’ve been at 3fc since December of 2008 and still am not at my goal- but it’s OKAY because this time I REFUSE to give up. Don’t you give up either! *hugz*
    .-= beerab´s last blog ..Maybe I’m not done Yet =-.

    • Karen

      Well Bee, my intention was to do just that. And then I decided maybe I could handle just limiting the grains. That might be a mistake… but if the cravings stay I am sooo going to head for a few days of PH1. And I am not giving up! Don’t worry about that! No more yo-yo for me. Just a little setback on the journey.

  5. Sometimes going on vaycay can put us in a tailspin when we get home. Like others have said, it takes time to readjust. Our blogs are awesome tools to remind us to stay on track (even if our body and mind is telling us a little cheatin’ won’t hurt).

    You CAN and WILL get yourself back on track! I can just feel it! 🙂

    ~Kellie
    .-= The Chubby Girl Diaries´s last blog ..Weigh-in Wednesday =-.

  6. I could write a post like this probably every week. The new and improved Hope falls off the wagon again and again and again. So, I understand where you are coming from.

    Sometimes it makes it worse, at least for me, when I read other blogs and I get this sense that they are perfect and I’m far from it. I know that’s not true, but sometimes it just makes me feel worse.

    The good thing is–you got back on your eating plan. We all have setbacks, and in the past, like so many others, setbacks just gave me a ticket to do whatever I wanted for the rest of the day, rather than get back on track then and there. SO good job, and you’ll be back on it before you know it!

    Hope

    • Karen

      Thanks for reminding me that I am not alone. I was always the same way with setbacks… and if I blew one thing I might as well blow them all. I admit I felt a bit of that the second day of my little binge. It was a little scary. But I reined it in and did not let those two days go further. Phew. Because let me tell you, the old me could have turned two days into two weeks and then two months!

  7. I hear you feeling bad about this (and bad about yourself), but please know that this (relapse) is completely normal and can lead to good things for your progress.

    Good how? Well, you learn what particular cues led to this mini-slip; (look how quickly you jumped back into action!); develop or reinforce prevention efforts for future relapses and move on. Plus, knowing you can pull yourself out of this should give you confidence in your ability to keep moving forward rather than just saying, “screw it” and going back to an old pattern of eating. (This is no WAG or SWAG but comes from years of research with people changing all types of health behaviors.)

    I’m proud of you for sharing this with the rest of us and showing how one can get back into action and on plan. Your story boosts my self-confidence also!
    .-= Sskar´s last blog ..Monitoring My Obesity Hormones – Yeah, Right =-.

    • Karen

      You are so right… there are clearly some things that are triggering me. Some I could indeed cut from my life, like the Triscuits. But others I want to find a way to keep in my life without the snacking that follows. Like watching TV and reading. You would not believe how much less I have read in the past several months of dieting!!

  8. That’s real life, girl. Sometimes we are so on track we can’t believe it and sometimes we are shoveling food into our mouths faster than we can eat it. We just need to make sure that the food-shoveling moments are just that … rare moments, not a way of life. And look at you … you owned what you’ve done and you are moving on. WTG.
    .-= Siobhan´s last blog ..the “be just like a two year old” diet =-.

  9. We just keep swimming.

    I’ve thrown away the evidence of my DQ and candy store visit. I’ve repented and moved on right? Well, the reason I posted about my binge was for accountability. To purge the deed and especially the emotions behind it out of my brain and anywhere else.

    I wanted to hide it. I normally would have.

    Thanks for being real. You’re inspiring.
    .-= JourneyBeyondSurvival´s last blog ..GrrRRRR =-.

    • Karen

      JBS – YOU are inspiring! I think that everyday when I read your blog. But I will say you had me thinking about Blizzard’s with that post!

  10. I don’t think you should feel bad for overeating for several days. You don’t have to be perfect to lose weight. Sometimes my body gets a feeling that it wants way more food than normal for a week here and there. I usually give in to it! I may not lose weight as fast as other people out there, but I am finding what works for me for a lifetime. And I don’t expect myself to be perfect forever! Don’t let yourself feel guilty for overeating.
    .-= Carla´s last blog ..Outdoor running vs. indoor running =-.

  11. I, for one, would never say I’m tired of hearing of how someone has cheated on their diet. It is all so real, and it is such a common experience among us. This is about the best place to tell the stories because there is no judgment…only understanding, REAL understanding. I only have high praise for you Karen, you are sure not hiding from your demons.
    Thanks for the honesty in your posts, it inspires me.
    .-= Mary´s last blog ..Decisions, decisions =-.

    • Karen

      Thank you Mary. Mostly, I write what I feel I need to for me. When my girlfriend told me she had stopped reading my blog because it made her feel worse about her eating, I had an eyeopener about my uncharacteristic optimism. Not that I was hiding any flaws and failings, just that I had not been focusing on them in my writing. When I started the blog I don’t think I realized how hard it would be just to decide what to focus on and what to leave out.

  12. I’ve got to say I love what Carla said about not having to be perfect to lose weight. SO TRUE!
    .-= Siobhan´s last blog ..the “be just like a two year old” diet =-.

    • Karen

      So funny because I just got down to this comment and replied almost the same to the two of you above!! Great minds think alike – you and Carla always inspire me, here and in your blogs.

  13. It’s such a tightrope we walk on this journey. We don’t want to be too militant, but then there are times where we have to get tough with ourselves.

    There is no prize in perfection – be gentle with yourself and decide if you need to make some changes.
    .-= Diane Fit to the Finish´s last blog ..Are You A Picky Eater? =-.

  14. Karen, we all fall down at some time or another. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I know that is easier said than done, but still, it’s true.

    I’ve never thought an “all or nothing” approach works – it least it hasn’t for me… And I’ve tried just about every “diet” out there. Have you considered maybe just allowing yourself a triscuit (or other treat) occasionally? Like have a cheat day so that you don’t get to the point where you go all out and get out of control?
    .-= Anonymous Fat Girl´s last blog ..4 Shocking secrets about fast food & apple drop biscuits recipe =-.

    • Karen

      You know what Bobbie – I have honestly never thought of that cheat day idea. I am such a black and white, all or nothing thinker. I wonder how that would work for me? Interesting suggestion.

  15. aw, karen, try not to beat yourself up too much. you are only human. you are not the first one who has done this, nor are you the last.
    you have just learned what is so scary about the binge monster. once is has you in it’s grips, it’s tough to struggle free. but you will. you’ve done it before and you’ll done it again.
    if you need to banish some foods for a while until your head is in a better place, then definitely do that.
    i have absolute faith that you will dust yourself off, chalk this up to a learning experience and keep moving forward. no sense living in the past.

I love comments!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s