Britney Spears was running through my head yesterday… “oops, I did it again.”
But that song was quickly replaced with thoughts of embarrassment. I got so many wonderful, supportive comments on my post about vacation eating, that praised me for getting back on track when I got home. And there I sat last night, replying, with an overly full belly, admitting that I had failed in my intentions. In the 24 hours after I returned home, I wrote that post and exercised and ate healthy. Then bam. Again, one food led to another, led to another, led to me feeling like crap. Physically and mentally. Broken record. I even slept horribly and couldn’t wait to get past my depressing weigh-in to start anew. And I did. Then, thanks Britney, I did it again. And woke up today, just wanting to get past the number on the scale, hating what I had done. Wondering. Sighing.
Some of you probably don’t want to read about how I cheated on my diet again, how I overate past the point of fullness to the point of disbelief, how I put food into my mouth when I wasn’t hungry after telling myself I wouldn’t, how I went to my car and got out a box of banished Triscuits. But I feel the need to put the words into print, to engrave them on my blog and my mind to serve as a personal reminder. And for my dear friend who stopped reading my blog because it just made her feel worse about her own eating… I share my admission that, even in the midst of what I consider to be dieting success, the new and improved Karen stumbles again. And again.
I am frustrated with myself. And I feel like a broken record. All the planets were lined up for me to indulge. I had splurged a bit on vacation and gotten a taste again of high fat, high sugar, high calorie. I had turned on the TV and plunked myself down, a known trigger. I had decided that after weeks of self-control I could eat cracker crack again. I had low-carb blueberry snack cake (that I had made for the first time for breakfast on the plane and decided never to make again because it was too tasty and would probably lead me to overeat) in the freezer. I posted that I was back from vacation eating and back on track and probably jinxed myself!
So today, after two days that I hope to quickly get past, I am once again committing to what works for me. Refocusing my efforts. Dusting off and moving on. I am beating myself up just a little because, honestly, I deserve it. Same mistake repeated. Enough is enough. I am taking that broken record and tossing it in the trash with the snack cake and Triscuits. I sit before you, a flawed dieter, working on a new lifestyle, trying to learn from my mistakes, hoping that the two steps backwards are followed by many more steps forward. And I am moving on from Britney to Scarlet O’Hara… because “tomorrow today is another day.”