There were so many great songs running through my head as I wrote this post. Which is not surprising to me, a person who has often bastardized song titles for the sake of blogging. Sometimes the song drives the post; other times the post drives the song.
Today it’s The Clash. And Old Blue Eyes. Who did it his way. With few regrets. Who saw it through when there was doubt. Who at it up and spit it out. Who faced it all. Who loved; who laughed; who cried. Who had his fill.
“And now, the end is here, and so I face the final curtain…”
As I ask myself, “Has my blog run it’s course?” “Do I have anything more to say?”
For over two and a half years I have defined myself as a blogger. Happily.
And in the past when I read other bloggers questioning if they should continue putting words to keyboard, I would share my philosophy with them – that we should blog for ourselves; that we should blog if we get something out of it. Whatever that something is (because it might be different for each of us). And we should blog if it makes us happy.
And every time I said that, and throughout my life as Waisting Time, I couldn’t image not blogging. It was my happy place. I had tons of ideas for future posts. The community warmed my heart. Playing with words was fun. So I renewed my domain name; I renewed my hosting contract. Life went on. I was a blogger. Happily.
But somewhere along the way things changed. Slowly. Maybe unnoticed at first. Then questioned but ignored. Then ignored but questioned.
So, today (and for the past several weeks that it has taken me to finish drafting this post) I ask myself what, if anything, I’m getting from it. Why am I blogging? Do I still enjoy it? Do I want to write more, and, if so, what do I want to write about? Does it make me happy? Do I still have things to say or am I talked out? Have I done enough over-thinking about writing about my over-thinking to last a lifetime?!
The big shock of recent discovery, when I thought the sky was falling, didn’t bring this on. It only made the questions more urgent for me. And added more questions. What did it make me question? Everything and nothing. Because not only did I now wonder if I had anything to say, but I also had to ask myself what I’d say if someone I know might be reading. Or, maybe more importantly, what would I NOT write if someone I know might be reading.
The bottom-line truth here is that I don’t know what I want to say – i.e. write. I’m not even sure I WANT to write. Or talk. Out loud. With a potential audience.
It occurred to me that I’m having the blogger’s version of a mid-life crisis. Or identity crisis. But as I write that I realize that a crisis would mean some urgency to my emotions. Some angst. Nope. None of that. More like complacency. I feel, well, dispassionate, detached, disinterested. My blogging mojo has got up and gone. Will it return? Do I care?
See – lots of questions!
And then, every so often, I think about the blog. This blog. MY blog. I think about writing. But thinking doesn’t translate to action. (Aha, rather like how it so often happens with healthy living!) So, I have just let it be. (Okay, add the Beatles to the list.) And waited. And wondered. And lived life outside of cyberspace.
Have I missed this world in the almost-three-weeks since my last post? Not so much. Certainly I have NOT missed Twitter and Facebook and Klout and all that stuff. Maybe I’ve missed YOU. And your comments that only come if I actually publish something! And the sense of being part of a community, the connections, the friendship, the warm fuzzies. Yep, I’m smiling just typing about it.
If I stop blogging will I regret it? What would I leave behind? Will I miss it? Or would I be happily living life without Waisting Time. Without wasting time?
How do I want to define myself? Have I had enough? Has my blog served its purpose and now it’s time to move on? Is there something still out there for me in cyberspace? This blog? A new blog? No blog?
Lately I’ve been thinking about evolution. And change. Everything evolves. Changes over time. Sometimes slowly and almost imperceptibly. Sometimes drastically, obviously, quickly. Certainly my own life has changed in the past months and year, with my return to work after 15 years and my empty nest. But as much as some things change, some things stay the same.
I think my “need” for blogging has changed. But has it, could it, evolve into something else that still keeps me blogging? Or has it evolved into extinction?
I started this blog for motivation and personal accountability. At times it has given me that. In spades. And so much more that I never expected. But the motivation and accountability aspect has diminished. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Once I needed this blog, these words, your support and advice and companionship on this journey. And while I still LOVE the community and connections and friendships and laughter, maybe I don’t have anything left to say.
And isn’t that what it really comes down to, after all? A blog is words. And thoughts put to
paper keyboard. It’s not that I’m NOT thinking (and over-thinking) anymore (and, yes, I know that’s a double negative), it’s just that I’m not sure I have a need or desire to make those thoughts public. To put those thoughts into written word. To say or write anything about them. Here. Or maybe anywhere.
“Should I stay or should I go now?… This indecision’s bugging me.”
Oh, hey, wow, look – I wrote something! Okay, I wrote a lotta something. And I kinda enjoyed it. Hmm.
P.S. Much thanks for your comments, emails, concern, compliments, support, friendship, and so on and so forth. In truth, if I stay, or if I recreate myself in a new blog, it will be as much because of YOU as it is because of me. And if the winds of change do blow me over to a new URL, I’ll be sure to let you know, here, in case you want to make the move with me.
So, fellow bloggers, if you are inclined to share, here or privately, I’d love to know why YOU blog. And how, if at all, you’ve evolved. In blogging or in anything:) See any changes coming for YOU down the road?