That's the Sound of My Worlds Colliding

I had always intended to blog anonymously.  Heck, when I started this venture, I didn’t even use my name.  But I also didn’t have any expectations that anyone would be reading.

My, how times change.

A few people in my real life have known about my blog almost from its inception.  For different reasons.  My husband.  My mom.  One of my sisters-in-law.  Sometimes it impacted what I wrote – made me feel censored.  Mostly I forgot that they were reading and wrote for myself and for you.  Mostly.

But just over a year ago, shock waves struck.  I almost fell out of my chair when I got a Facebook message (to my personal account) from a “real” friend and neighbor, who wrote:  “… so I was crusin’ the web… and what did I find? I found Waisting Time! … What a surprise to find it!”

What a surprise indeed!  I was flabbergasted.  I was scared.  If she found me, anyone could.  And who might she tell?  Eek!  I might be walking down the street (okay, not really, but maybe walking down the aisles of the local grocery store) and the person who waved as they passed might have just read my blog.  Or even worse, might be examining (and judging) the contents of my shopping cart.  Aaack.

Eventually I calmed down; came back from my freaked out place; asked myself, “What’s the worse thing that could happen?”  And continued blogging.  In my sort of anonymous fashion.  Maybe for a moment the fear of discovery impacted what I wrote.  Mostly I forgot about it.

And a year passed.

With more posts and more readers and more exposure in cyberspace.  With me ignoring all the warnings I had given my sons to be careful what you put online because you never know who is reading and because it’s there forever and because you are giving up control.  To think twice and not post things you wouldn’t want your mother to read.  Parenting caution in a dangerous new world that, for the most part, I had not myself heeded.

Those warnings came back to haunt me.

There I was, in my son’s new apartment, halfway across the country, no thoughts of blogging in my head, heading out the door to a late dinner, when my son asked, “Mom, what’s the name of your blog?”  What!?  Why is he asking?  Why does he want to know!?  “Just humor me,” he said.  So I told him.  And then he told me… something I never in a million years expected to hear.  Facebook, once again, was the vehicle for my outing.  As a “friend” posted on my son’s wall that, “I found your mom’s blog accidentally while searching for a quote from the commencement speech…”  And for just a fleeting moment, he posted a link.

And just like that, my worlds collided.  And I freaked out.  Just a bit.  Okay, maybe a lot.  According to my son (from what he told me AND from what he posted on the Facebook thread), my reaction was “hilarious.”  Funny to him, maybe!

Let me just tell you that it was the longest restaurant meal ever!  All I could think about was getting to a computer and performing damage control.

(And in case you were wondering, other “friends” did comment and “like” the post on my son’s wall.  I don’t know if they ever saw my blog though because the person who originally exposed me to the world realized that maybe my son wouldn’t be “cool with everyone having the link” to his mom’s blog.  Long Facebook conversation story short, the link is gone but the thread remains.  Hmm… maybe I should ask my son to remove THAT from his wall.)

I’ll be totally honest and tell you that my initial over-reactions thoughts were to shut down this blog immediately!  Permanently.  And I did.  Sort of.  Removed the “offending” post so that it wouldn’t be there for anyone to search and put my blog into “maintenance mode” while I thought things through.

I’m still thinking.

About the potential loss of all anonymity.  About my sons and the people in their lives and the people in my life reading what I’ve written.  About what I still might or might not have left to write.  About whether or not I care who reads my words and who connects the real me to the blog me.  About calling it quits.  About what I might regret if I keep going or if I stop.  About maybe even starting over, fresh, with or without anonymity.

Because, coincidentally enough given the timing, maybe Waisting Time is wasting time.  Maybe my blog has run its course; served it’s purpose.  Maybe I’ve run out of things to say and creative juice and the need to say anything at all.  (I actually had a blog post drafted about that already!)

Maybe I’m done in cyberspace.  For now.  Maybe I’m not.  Maybe I don’t even know the questions to ask myself to decide what to do next.

Maybe for once, over-thinking is a good thing!

So for now, I’ve shared this part of my tale with you, and had a chance to at least let that resonate in my brain while putting words to keyboard.  And I realize, with the initial shock worn off, that I should go against my action-oriented nature and give myself some time to think this through.  To see where it takes me.  To be flexible.  To be patient.  (Stop laughing, family.)

And I’ll admit to you, that there is much that I haven’t shared in this long-winded but much shortened story, because of exactly the issue at hand – I don’t know who is reading it and there are just some things that I can’t or won’t put out here because, well, for reasons that are exactly the problem – too private, too revealing, too embarrassing to share.

And that, dear readers (and cyber-snoopers) is exactly what led me to freak out in the first place!

Photo credit: [Cody James]

 

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Filed under blogging

Yo-Yo No Mo’

My name is Karen and I am a (reforming) yo-yo dieter.  And today is National Yo-Yo Day.  Really.  There is such a thing.

In honor of this dubious holiday, I thought I’d put on my (over) thinking cap and reflect back on my years of weight ups and downs and my vast experience as a serial dieter who has spent way too much time stuck on this crazy rollercoaster ride.

But then I changed my mind.  As I looked back at the stats (I’d at some point compiled) that show my weight each January since 1999.  As I stared at the color-coded chart, courtesy of my husband, that clearly illustrated the many jagged gains and losses for the past decade.  It doesn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.  My weight has gone up.  My weight has gone down.  And up.  And down.  Over and over and over again.  Sometimes up higher or down lower; sometimes varied by a much lesser amount.  But rarely stable for any long period of time.

I can see the dip that reflects my successful stint on Weight Watchers when I reached “lifetime.”  I can see the uptick that followed, when I stopped going and stopped counting points and stopped following the plan.  I can see the dip when I first tried The South Beach Diet.  And the subsequent regain when I struggled failed to maintain.  And the dips the subsequent two or three (or more) times on South Beach.  (Always great for losing; rarely, for me, as with anything, great for maintaining.)

I can see a trend that in most years I, like so many of you, gradually lost beginning in January with new resolutions firmly in place.  And then, unlike so many of you, reversed that trend beginning late summer as I once again experienced the slippery slope of regain through the fall and into the holiday eating season.

I was consistent in my inconsistency.

Ah, the irony that my father, in his youth, was an actual yo-yo champion.  Clearly I am a yo-yo champion of a different sort.

And, yes, as some of you know, even in the past (almost) two and a half years of blogging (about what I thought would be the end to this insanity), I have experienced more downs and ups.  But, I am happy that I can at least say that the ups have been less and less and less.

And now my yo-yo bounces by only a few pounds.  Which, if I am being honest with myself, isn’t a yo-yo at all but is, dare I say it, normal.

I’d like to declare that my yo-yo days are over.  I think they are.  Really, I do.  Because I can also say that I think I have FINALLY learned enough from my many years of “dieting” and regaining that I can rewrite my script going forward.  What have I learned? (You may ask.)  Well, that’s a long post for another day.  But the bottom-line is…  that if I eat what I used to eat… I will weigh what I used to weigh.  And no “weigh” do I want to do that again!

Photo credit: [TammieKaye]

Side note:  I’m in Pennsylvania all week, helping my son move into his new apartment.  (Yes, my third road trip in as many months.)  Not sure how much internet access I’ll have so you probably won’t see me around the blogworld.  But I couldn’t resist setting this post up in advance; it’s not often one has such a unique holiday to celebrate:)

18 Comments

Filed under dieting, history (my past)

Yo-Yo No Mo'

My name is Karen and I am a (reforming) yo-yo dieter.  And today is National Yo-Yo Day.  Really.  There is such a thing.

In honor of this dubious holiday, I thought I’d put on my (over) thinking cap and reflect back on my years of weight ups and downs and my vast experience as a serial dieter who has spent way too much time stuck on this crazy rollercoaster ride.

But then I changed my mind.  As I looked back at the stats (I’d at some point compiled) that show my weight each January since 1999.  As I stared at the color-coded chart, courtesy of my husband, that clearly illustrated the many jagged gains and losses for the past decade.  It doesn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.  My weight has gone up.  My weight has gone down.  And up.  And down.  Over and over and over again.  Sometimes up higher or down lower; sometimes varied by a much lesser amount.  But rarely stable for any long period of time.

I can see the dip that reflects my successful stint on Weight Watchers when I reached “lifetime.”  I can see the uptick that followed, when I stopped going and stopped counting points and stopped following the plan.  I can see the dip when I first tried The South Beach Diet.  And the subsequent regain when I struggled failed to maintain.  And the dips the subsequent two or three (or more) times on South Beach.  (Always great for losing; rarely, for me, as with anything, great for maintaining.)

I can see a trend that in most years I, like so many of you, gradually lost beginning in January with new resolutions firmly in place.  And then, unlike so many of you, reversed that trend beginning late summer as I once again experienced the slippery slope of regain through the fall and into the holiday eating season.

I was consistent in my inconsistency.

Ah, the irony that my father, in his youth, was an actual yo-yo champion.  Clearly I am a yo-yo champion of a different sort.

And, yes, as some of you know, even in the past (almost) two and a half years of blogging (about what I thought would be the end to this insanity), I have experienced more downs and ups.  But, I am happy that I can at least say that the ups have been less and less and less.

And now my yo-yo bounces by only a few pounds.  Which, if I am being honest with myself, isn’t a yo-yo at all but is, dare I say it, normal.

I’d like to declare that my yo-yo days are over.  I think they are.  Really, I do.  Because I can also say that I think I have FINALLY learned enough from my many years of “dieting” and regaining that I can rewrite my script going forward.  What have I learned? (You may ask.)  Well, that’s a long post for another day.  But the bottom-line is…  that if I eat what I used to eat… I will weigh what I used to weigh.  And no “weigh” do I want to do that again!

Photo credit: [TammieKaye]

Side note:  I’m in Pennsylvania all week, helping my son move into his new apartment.  (Yes, my third road trip in as many months.)  Not sure how much internet access I’ll have so you probably won’t see me around the blogworld.  But I couldn’t resist setting this post up in advance; it’s not often one has such a unique holiday to celebrate:)

18 Comments

Filed under dieting, history (my past)

Everything But The Kitchen Sink

Last night was one of those nights.  A night, which could equally have been one of those days, or those weeks, when I ate and ate and ate, because I was trying NOT to eat and eat and eat.

In my full house.  Full of the men in my life who are not “dieting” and who are certainly not in any way trying to eat what I try to eat NOR trying not to eat what I am (mostly successfully but often still with conscious effort) trying not to eat.  With my house full of not only the men, but also their food (and their clutter and their noise).  With my house full of temptation.

Which brings me back to last night.  I wanted to eat one of the delectable looking desserts that my husband brought home from the store… but I didn’t really want to eat it, if you know what I mean.  I wanted to eat some of the fudge that my mother-in-law had made at my son’s request for his “send off” party.  I wanted to eat (from the Costco size containers of) the M & Ms and red licorice that had been in my pantry all week.  And the pretzel chips.  And the tortilla chips.  And the pita bread, also left over from the party, that goes so well with the humus still sitting in the fridge that is just not the same on top of a veggie slice.  I wanted to eat the leftover pizza.  And the (home-baked but store-bought) bread sitting on the counter leftover from the previous night’s family dinner (when everyone ate it but me).  I even wanted to eat fro-yo that we didn’t even have in our house!

My mind was whirling.

An inner battle waged on.

I’d like to tell you I ate nothing.  But I can’t.  Because I ate.  And I ate something else.  And then I ate another thing.  BUT, I ate none of the above.  Not one piece of candy; not one bite of junk food; not one refined carb.  I ate “healthy;” I ate “on plan.”  I ate everything but the kitchen sink.

In my mind I was saying, “You’ll regret it if you eat that crap.”  In my mind I was saying, “I want.  I want.!”  In my mind I said, “Okay, Karen – eat… but eat something else instead.”  “Eat something on plan.”  “Eat something ‘acceptable’ if you want, if you must, if you are still jonesing for the treats.”

It wasn’t a binge.  It wasn’t a disaster.  It was a coping mechanism.  Or, at least, that’s what I’m going with.  It wasn’t horrible.  It wasn’t weight-gain-inducing.  But it wasn’t due to physical hunger.  It wasn’t how I want to eat when I envision my long-term “healthy eating that’s a lifestyle and not a diet” or my new normal.

And it wasn’t new.  I’ve done it before.  This excuse for a coping mechanism.  This lie I tell myself that it is better to eat everything and anything “on plan” than to give in when a bonanza of temptation is staring me in the face and screaming in my head, for hours, for days.

Eat this; not that.  Eat this; not that.  Rinse and repeat.

The good news?  Most of the time this situation doesn’t arise because there just isn’t this kind or quantity of food in the house.  And over time, when the temptation is there, I’ve succumbed to my “binge that isn’t a binge” less and less and less often.  The bad news?  I thought about not eating last night.  I thought about the fact that I wasn’t really hungry, in my belly, that is.  I thought about being stronger than the cravings.  But then I thought it was better to eat the sugar-free pudding and the “3 minute flourless chocolate cake” and the frozen yogurt bar and the apple and the fat-free cheese than to eat the other stuff.  I thought about chocolate.  A lot.  I thought about coping.  So I thought.

And, because, as you know, I over-think everything, now I think about how I can use this and learn from this.  Or if I even care.  Still thinking.

3 Minute Flourless Chocolate Cake

1 T. Smart Balance
2 T. unsweetened cocoa powder
1 egg or 1/4 cup egg substitute
2 T. sugar-free syrup (like DaVinci) or skim milk (or any combination; I use 1/2 and 1/2)
4 t. Splenda

Microwave the Smart Balance just until completely melted. Whisk the other ingredients in a microwave safe container; add the melted Smart Balance and blend completely. Microwave on high for about 1 minute.  Eat warm or let cool.

What have you been thinking about lately?  Do you have any coping mechanisms you’d care to share?

 

43 Comments

Filed under cheating/overeating, dieting, influence of others

In Dog Years I’d Be Dead

The older I get…

 

The more times I get up at night to pee.

The harder it is to fall back asleep after.

The more I’m like my mother.

The blurrier the words on the page appear.

The more reluctant I am to drive at night.

The less concerned I am with how I look.

The less hair I have on my head and the more I have to sweep off the bathroom floor.

The more sags in more body parts.

The harder it is to consider wrinkles “laugh lines.”

The more difficult it is to find shoes that don’t hurt my feet.

The less I remember.

The more aches and pains I feel.

The earlier I go to bed.

The harder it is to sleep-in come morning.

The gassier I am.

The stiffer I feel when I stand.

The wider my middle grows.

The younger “old” people seem.

The younger “young” people seem.

 

“There is still no cure for the common birthday.”

– John Glen

Photo credit [Joke Library]

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Filed under aging

In Dog Years I'd Be Dead

The older I get…

 

The more times I get up at night to pee.

The harder it is to fall back asleep after.

The more I’m like my mother.

The blurrier the words on the page appear.

The more reluctant I am to drive at night.

The less concerned I am with how I look.

The less hair I have on my head and the more I have to sweep off the bathroom floor.

The more sags in more body parts.

The harder it is to consider wrinkles “laugh lines.”

The more difficult it is to find shoes that don’t hurt my feet.

The less I remember.

The more aches and pains I feel.

The earlier I go to bed.

The harder it is to sleep-in come morning.

The gassier I am.

The stiffer I feel when I stand.

The wider my middle grows.

The younger “old” people seem.

The younger “young” people seem.

 

“There is still no cure for the common birthday.”

– John Glen

Photo credit [Joke Library]

30 Comments

Filed under aging

Thumbtimes I Have Nothing to Say

Thumbs missing:  Blogger’s block.  I haven’t had much to say lately.  Well, maybe that’s not exactly right:  I think of stuff to say but then can’t think of how to say it.  But maybe this is a thumbs up because for the most part, I just haven’t felt a “need” to spend as much time in the blog world.  Okay… maybe that’s what I’ll write about!

Thumbs up:  Blog recognition.  I’m much belated in saying how tickled I was to be included in Cranky Fitness’s list of Best Weight Loss Blogs for 2012.  Super thumbs up “thank you” to those who voted for me.  I had no idea this was even going on!

Thumbs up:  Work.  Still going well.  Thumbs down that I get nervous still with the “register.”  It’s not at all intuitive IMO and we have to manually make price adjustments for our frequent promotions.  And there are so many exceptions or unusual situations to learn.  I know I’ll eventually learn it all.  Thumbs up that I am at least now ringing my own sales.  And making sales!  Thumbs down though that I still have self-doubt creep in regarding so many aspects of the job.  I need to get over that.

Thumbs down:  Work.  So… my biggest complaint about work has to do with scheduling.  Not knowing when I’ll be working, having to ask for dates off for things like my many trips lately and a variety of appointments.  Thumbs down that it has made life rather more complicated.  Thumbs down that I cancelled my blogger meet up in April:(  Thumbs up that my boss does allow us to take time when we need it.  Phew.  Otherwise this just wouldn’t work for me.  (No pun intended.)

Thumbs up:  Zucchini pizza.  LOVE!!!  Thanks to Caron for introducing me to this delectable meal.  You can find the recipe I use here; my only change is to cut it into round slices, not horizontal ones.  My mom’s been loving it too:)  I had this for lunch every single day last week.  And I don’t even like zucchini!!!!

Thumbs down:  Heartburn.  It started one afternoon and continued for several days.  Not horrible, but consistent.  Worse when actually swallowing food or liquids.  It was very reminiscent of what I experienced when I started on an aspirin regime several years ago.  So I talked to my pharmacist (who happens to also be my friend) and switched one medicine from before bed to mornings with food and, voila, no more heartburn.  Or the burps that were accompanying it.  Thumbs down that I really struggle to remember to take it in the mornings, since all my other meds are at night.

Thumbs down:  Brain fart.  I went to my twice-weekly workout with my mom and trainer an hour early.  Twice.  Now in my own defense, we workout at different times on different days.  But still.

Thumbs up:  My calf.  Maybe?  I’m being optimistic but I think it is finally noticeably improved!  I’ve stopped wearing the calf support.  When I get back from my upcoming road trip, I hope to finally gradually start back with cardio.

Thumbs up:  Being a mom.  One son is home from college, although I don’t see him much.  But I’ve gotten some fantastic hugs.  The other son graduates this coming Saturday and I know there will be all sorts of hugging going on then:)  I believe that my greatest accomplishment in life is my boys.  And being a mom.

Thumbs up:  Eating.  I’m considering myself maintaining.  Mostly easily.  Mostly.  I’ve even done well lately with eating out and special events.

Thumbs down:  Eating.  So… this past week I had my first binge in months.  I’m not sure what set me off, but I know exactly the first thing I ate that was not what I’d typically eat.  And it was followed by a slew of “off plan” food that is in the house right now, thanks to my nest no longer being empty.  Can you say “bread?!”  It was ugly.  I had a stomach ache.  It never ceases to amaze me that when I eat crap I feel like crap, physically and mentally.  Okay, confession and bingeing are both over.  Back on plan.

Thumbs pending:  Road trip.  We leave Thursday and return the following Monday or Tuesday.  So you won’t see me around much in the coming week.  I’m not the least bit worried about my eating this time, even though eating well on the road will be complicated with the addition of my boys (and their snacks and needing to stop with them for meals when otherwise I’d just pack them) in the car.  And another road trip is planned for early June when my son officially moves east.

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