I’m sitting here writing this with a fuzzy brain and queasy tummy. I’m suffering the ill effects of a sugar hangover.
Yesterday (I wrote this post Monday morning) was our graduation party for our son. It went well. But I went on a bit of a bender. I fell prey once again to my “all or nothing” mentality that has so often in the past proven to be my
dieting healthy lifestyle downfall.
It started with “I only get to have my mom’s white chocolate brownies once ever few years so I am going to allow myself a little splurge” and continued with “and while I’m splurging I’ll just have a bite (or two) of pumpernickel and pita since I don’t keep bread in the house anymore” which quickly evolved into “now that I’ve eaten this much off-plan crap I might as well just stuff my face with anything and everything today, get my fill, and start over tomorrow.”
And so it went. Until I had cleaned up the kitchen at the end of the night and packed or tossed the leftovers and gone to bed worn out and with a stomach ache. Yes, a literal stomach ache from all the crap I ingested. And a bit of a metaphorical stomach ache from the bit of regret I was feeling. And, as you might have expected, I slept through the night with my pee-o-meter registering zero. Never a good sign.
So, now is when I could predictably go on about how this is so not “normal,” or at least my own vision of normal: the goal I have for living a life that is about living a life and not about food. And, truthfully, that “all or nothing” “I’ve cheated so I might as well cheat big and eat everything in sight” mentality is NOT normal and I do want to change that.
But more importantly, I want to tell you that despite feeling regret today at what I ate yesterday, I don’t feel discouraged. Mostly. And I don’t feel pessimistic. Much. I feel like yesterday is in the past and was a one day blip on the radar screen. A big blip, to be sure. But today I got up and knew, absolutely KNEW, that my eating would be back to what it was before the blip. Back on track. Because despite clearly not making as much progress as I need to, yet, I have made progress all the same. Because in the past a one day bender would have turned into a two day bender and that might have snowballed into another day and then a week and maybe months. But I really feel in the deepest part of my “on a quest to live a healthy life and have a normal relationship with food” soul, that this time is different. Better. Progress. A baby step. When I’d rather have made a huge leap. But I’ll take it for now. Because, honestly, that’s all I’ve got. Progress. Slow
And as I edit this post the day after the day after, I can’t help but be struck with thinking, once again, about the expression that nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. And I can’t help but remember how many, many times in the past after a major bingapalooza, I said to myself that if I just remember how crappy I feel from eating crap I wouldn’t do it again. And how after that first bite or that first brownie, the second and third aren’t nearly as tasty. Or satisfying. Nothing satisfying about any of it. Oh, yes, I am feeling a bit like a broken record as I reflect on my grad party eating frenzy.
I debated even posting this. But I thought that some of you would be wondering how I did with the big event. And I’m trying to be honest with what I say here, so I guess I felt this needed to be said. Call it a confession, if you will. Or a status report. Or a progress report. Or we can pretend it’s a fictional account of an event that never happened:) Okay, I guess that last one won’t fly.
Bottom-line: I do feel I’ve been making progress but this
huge little relapse clearly shows there is much work still to be done. Maybe there will always be work to be done and progress to be made. But that “all or nothing” thinking has to go!
So, time to write my sequel to this movie. It won’t be Hangover Part IV, that’s for sure. Any suggestions? “Blazing Salads?” Or “Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner?” Oh the possibilities:)