This is not the post I had planned to write today. This is the post that has been nagging at the corners of my mind, much like chocolate does. Today’s previously scheduled post has been interrupted for a moment of candor and blogger self-reflection. I hope you will indulge me with your patience.
I read a lot in the blogworld about seeking balance. It comes up in countless aspects of life. Juggling family and internet time. Finding a happy proportion of eating healthy with the moderation of occasional splurges or treats. Finding time to exercise when life gets in the way. Balance.
For me, the latest balancing act has been unexpected: how to juggle a desire to blog with optimism with my need to blog with honesty and authenticity. Sometimes, they are very much at odds with each other.
I’d like to say that I simply always write what I am feeling in the moment. That the words come through my fingers as they fly across the keyboards in a clear representation of the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my heart. Sometimes it works that way. But other times I write as an exercise in a self-fulfilling prophecy. My words describe my vision and optimism. I write what I can imagine and I hope that writing it will bring me there. Sometimes I pause in what I intend to write and think about you, my readers, and ask myself if you really want to hear me say this, that, or the other thing. (I mean, really, how many times do you want to hear about yet another struggle or yet another overeating binge. Really.) Sometimes I get blogger’s block and walk away from the keyboard.
When I started blogging, I wrote consistently with optimism. I am not by nature an optimistic person; I tend to view my glass as half empty. I’m trying to change that. Making a conscious effort, when I remember. Some days I am more successful at it than others. Some days I walk around in virtual sunshine with my rose colored classes perched firmly on my nose. But sometimes I have had to dig around on the floor, searching for those glasses that have fallen, unnoticed for a time, and put them firmly back on.
I struggle with this because part of me thinks optimism is the way to go. If I write it, it will happen. But the other part of me wants to write about some of the truths of the moment in my life and the reality is that sometimes that would sound anything but optimistic. But it would be honest. Authentic. Me in the moment. Sometimes I am tired of telling that story and sharing that part of myself but other times I really just want to put it all out here. For me but also for you – to share the real me. One of my readers once told me that there was a time she could sense a change in my writing… I think this is what she was sensing.
I have no direction with this post. Usually I have a point to make, but not today. Today I just wanted to share. I just wanted to go with my gut and tell you something about me, something that has to do with the blogger I am. In this moment, my glass is not half empty. It’s just a glass. And life is just life. Sometimes I smile about it and sometimes I don’t. So I guess some days my writing is going to reflect that, be it what it may, whatever mood I’m in.
That said, I do believe in the power that optimism can bring. And someday soon, I plan to write a whole post about it. But not today. Because today, that’s just not how I’m feeling. Well, let me rephrase. I am feeling optimistic. In this moment. At the keyboard. But in the hours before this, I felt… well… not so much. And that I should be sharing the bad with the good. Which I know is a bit controversial out here in the blog world. I know that some readers want to read posts that are upbeat and want to read about progress and positive change. They don’t want to read about struggles. And believe you me, I want to write about the former much more than the latter. But, more than anything, I want to be myself, honest, authentic, out here.
So today, and hopefully always, what you see is what you get. Warts and all. A different blogger might not feel the need to explain or apologize. But this is me. Telling you what I feel needs to be told.
So, I hope you will stick around. And I hope my writing is more optimistic than not. Because it is intended to be a reflection of my true self . I hope that the real me comes through and that you connect with that person, that blogger, whether my glass is half empty or overflowing.
For now, I am putting away both my glass and my keyboard and picking up my rose-colored glasses and heading off to conquer another day. How’s that for optimism:)