Yesterday I woke up and thought about my weight. Not the number, per se. But just about the fact that this whole journey of mine is so much a focus of my life right now. And I spent my day thinking about it all: food, eating, dieting, etc. Not in a good way. Because it hit me, as it has at moments in the past months, that I just wish it was not so front and center in my thoughts.
Was I just having a bad day? Why did it feel like I had PMS without the PM? Was this thinking a negative side effect of the realization that I am not on a diet that ends, but a lifestyle change that goes on forever? I don’t remember thinking about this stuff so much or so constantly during my past diet attempts, but they ended sooner and my memory is fading so maybe this has always been part of my diet persona. Have I always, in all my many diets of years past, had this constancy in my life where I think about eating or not eating? And what did I think about when I wasn’t dieting? Yesterday I woke up and wondered when – if – the day would come when I would just eat normal, healthy food and not have to think about it.
I don’t think I am obsessed with food and dieting; I don’t think it is unhealthy. I just think it is too much. I have seen other bloggers talk about their hopes to “be normal” and I see myself in that description. Maybe I have never had a “normal” relationship with food – but certainly I have not always had it so much in the forefront of my mind. Some days, like yesterday, it seems to be my life. I didn’t cheat. I didn’t overeat. But darn I thought about food a lot! It was an okay, on plan eating day – but a bad thinking day. I kept telling myself, “Karen, get a life!”
How does it happen? When does it happen? The part where I just eat and don’t think about it. The great irony here is that I have always thought mindless eating referred to the endless munching while distracted by other things. But now I wish for mindless eating… the eating without thinking about it. And mindless not-eating.