When I started this blog I intended to remain anonymous. From that I derived power – power to be honest, power to be unguarded in my comments, power to say what I wanted to say because I wanted to say it, power to not worry about what people in my life think about me, power to reach out and befriend strangers, power to write about embarrassing things without feeling embarrassed.
Last week I did not intend for anyone I knew to read these words. But things don’t always happen as planned.
First came my exercise and dieting soulmate – my friend who knows more about my weight loss trials than anyone; my bosom buddy who had guided me through Weight Watchers and worked out next to me at the gym; my confidant who shared so many experiences with me, even after she moved halfway across the country. I couldn’t help it – she was struggling, I was writing about myself struggling. So I told her the how to find my site. And I anxiously waited. Surely if anyone understood my journey, it was her. But silence ensued. Was no news bad news? Did she not like my blog and was refraining from saying anything because “if you don’t have something good to say you say nothing at all?” I finally caught her in an online chat and asked. Relief – she liked it.
Next came my husband. Of course he knew something about what I was doing, but originally only in vague terms. He became a great sounding board as I journeyed further into the blogging world, but still he had little idea as to the specifics of what I was writing. Soon I was having way too much fun not to talk about it! So he heard more and more. But there are some things that you just don’t share with your spouse. Some things that are too personal or too discomforting to share. I didn’t envision him actually reading the blog but I suppose it was inevitable that his curiosity would eventually lead him here. I waited for his reaction with bated breath. Fortunately, since we were in the same room when he read my words, he shared his thoughts with me. But I got just a little freaked out when he added me to his news feed and I realized I might need to watch what I said about him in future posts:)
On to my sister-in-law, a prolific and well-followed gardening blogger. In an online chat with her it just came out – the fact that I too had entered the blogging world. I knew she would understand the logistics; maybe someday she could provide technical advice. She asked for my URL and I hesitated. Then I gave it to her with conditions: “Don’t pass it on,” I said, which took some explaining. I wondered if she would visit my site. She did. And I know this because while her interests and blog have nothing in common with mine, and she doesn’t have food and weight issues, she graced me with an empathetic comment – which I choose to interpret as approval. Thanks SIL.
So at this point I had asked my two now-illuminated family members not to tell anyone else. Remember – power in anonymity. So imagine my surprise when my mom says to me, “I hear you are working on a blog.” My mouth opened wide and nonsensical stuff came out. I hadn’t planned to tell her yet, if ever, because I was worried about what she’d think. Things that were too personal and discomforting to share with my hubby were also to revealing to share with my mom. We are very close. She has seen me at every weight. But that doesn’t mean I want to admit my faults and failings to her. Some people are so important in our lives that we value their respect and approval above all others. I was torn between worry that she would judge me poorly versus brag about me and tell her friends. I wasn’t sure which would be worse. But I decided the door was open so it was time to walk through. I emailed my URL to her, with the same request – “Please don’t tell anyone else.” I had visions of running into her friends and finding out they knew way too much about me!
Has she visited my blog? I don’t know. Thus my hidden agenda in writing this post. Mom, if you are reading this… please tell me. Because every time I talk to you I wonder if you have and what you thought. Does your silence mean you didn’t like it? Are you at a loss for words? Because clearly I am not!